I was just informed that the house where I’m now living is to be sold. The family of one of the roommates owns it, unhappy with the level of return. So twice in one year, I have to find another place to live, though this is not a bad thing, everything being equal.
When I was offered the opportunity to move here it seemed like a good idea. And it was. I could relax a bit. The mortgage company had not given me a very clear idea of when the house would be foreclosed and auctioned, but I thought the the time was right to move.
Now is a similar time. I feel out of integrity being here. My roommates are good people, but what they believe, how they live their lives, how they solve problems are not my way. They expect me to facilitate, validate and enable their lifestyles and addictions. I’m not here to provide them with self-esteem or self-control. I have worked to make the house cleaner and more functional, and have been met with hostility, sloth, denial and indifference, so the house is not what is could be. There has been progress, but of a bounded, limited kind.
I easily fall in love with places, and before my infatuation with this house becomes fatal, I need to break with it. Love is the wound that heals, and despite everything this is a healing house. It’s time to detach. It has been a short-term nest, but it’s time to fly away.
I don’t want to give you any notion that I have anywhere to go. My intuition is telling me that if I prepare to leave and have a target date for leaving, that a place will appear. The maxim “Jump, and a net will appear” comes to my mind.
I have thought about going to Europe this fall, since I have never been. I’d like to take a ship across the Atlantic, and touring Rome, Florence, Venice, Eastern Europe, Finland, Sweden. and Paris. (Ambitious!) Stay as long as I can in Europe, then arrange work in Israel for the winter. I’ll need to find under-the-table ways to make money during my stay. If I’m gong to be penniless and homeless I think being in Europe would be much more fun than being here. Still thinking about this.
Another intuition backed by recent experience, is to get rid of more of my stuff. I think lightening my load would do me good. While not have a car is often a drag, the moment of releasing the car felt very good. I think a sale is in order – tools, a lawnmower, a folding ladder, enough stuff to outfit an entire kitchen, books, shelving, office furniture, two bedframes — your get my drift.
I would like to be in a place so I could leave here significantly unburdened by March 31st. Just writing about this has made me feel much better.