I Am Not My Unemployment

I once again watched my Fight Club DVD and was once again impressed. I remember the first time I watched this movie, in a hotel room outside Hollywood, California, both appalled and attracted. I understood that this film was about initiation, its violence – and rewards.

The duality I face is that the quest for a job or a gig is not genuine, a reflex for status and income, but not something from my true self. I come from a line of self-made businessmen, farmers, merchants, wildcatters – and a few robber-barons. My whole goal during this fallow time is the hope that this becomes so painful that the truth of what I must do with my life to be true to myself, and in a moment of ego, change the world.

I wonder whether living here and keeping all my flaming possessions is really the right path, or endangering myself and living shelters or the streets. It would be a growing experience for sure, but maybe a death wish. Living in this cesspool of a house seems like enough. I am happy that I’m relieving myself of my possessions to the delight of garage sale shoppers on Kentucky Avenue. It does not seem like enough.

I see my father, reflecting on the past, never having the self-confidence to do what he wanted and return to farming and discount my mother’s middle class ambitions. I see my parents have exercised enormous psychic violence in their marriage and to each other by not being true to themselves, insisting that they live through each other. I have repeated this more times than I care to, and I am weary of the pattern, and tired of the sick, dependent people I attract. 

I need to live with greater integrity and say No! more often, especially to myself, one of the paths being initiation. It means living on the ground and not on the clouds. It means living in community and saying what you think. None of these seem to be part of my life right now. In Fight Club I see a mirror of my own process, my own desire to be whole and change the world in my own way when I do so.

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