Writing Out the Storm

Most of July and all of August have been filled with hopeless days. There have been interviews and good natured email, but for the most part I feel forgotten by the world of work. It rankles: I love what I do and I’m good at it.

A crisis looms that threatens my connection to any potential the world of work has to offer. I’m out of my mind working on ways to pay this bill. My stuff is for sale; my expenses are next to zero; I have no cash; I respond to everything that comes my way and think of ways I could start a business on nothing in my current situation. Despair and anxiety are my constant companions. It’s hard to focus when I need to focus the most.

I am afraid. I am blocked big time. I remember when my mother was sad she would play records of the Gaithers, sitting in her chair listening, working her way out of a dark place.

I’m finding myself doing something similar. I listen to Nicole C. Mullens sing her song “Redeemer” over and over again on YouTube to the Team Hoyt video.  But Casting Crowns sings “I Praise You in this Storm” and I understand and am in that storm. I want the certainty of knowing how, and I never really will know it, but I know that the spirit is with me.

The bill will be paid, the mess picked up, the gig found, the car bought, the new home built, my fear abated, and I will never know how, all part of my unfolding mystery. Rilke wrote long ago “I have circled around God, that mighty tower, for a thousand years, yet I still don’t know whether I am a cloud, a falcon, or a great song.” This is my real journey.


2 Responses to “Writing Out the Storm”

  1. Sue B Says:

    Hi Edgar, I’ve been reading your postings for the past few months. You have asked for suggestions and I have one: Temp work. I worked for Office Team for two years when I moved to the SF Bay area and it worked out well for me. The money was not stellar but it was more than not working. Since you have been out of work so long the unemployment has run out and temp work won’t result in a lower check. I found the Office Team company very above board and professional. The first job or two you get sent on are what I call the Drunk or On Time check. It will be an incredibly basic sort of office task (filing frequently.) Mainly it is a monkey job so the company can find out if you can show up on time and follow the simplest of directions. Consider it the last placement test. After one or two of these, you will be placed in better jobs. No, they won’t be fully equal to your skills but they will be a way of getting money (and beat sign spinning.) Also after the first interview and skills testing, you never have to go to the office again, everything will be done via fax and internet. The company had a policy of paying for holidays and vacation after you had worked 1050 hours (10 months.) And they will also pay for community college courses for skills (also after you have worked for them a while.) There is nothing demeaning about temp work. My last job with that company lasted 18 MONTHS and for a while I was one of 3 people in the US who could perform data base work for the US Forest service.
    Frankly after reading about the dead kittens, I need to say : GET OUT OF THERE. The people you are living with have reached the depths of dysfunction. Stable human beings don’t act like that and at this speed you are going to sink with them. Get in touch with the local mental health services. They might be able to put you in touch with some other services or at least confirm that you need to get out of there. Good luck and Godspeed.

    • fortunatewarrior Says:

      Thanks for a great comment. Ah, yes, temp work – I’ve done that before and it’s time to look at that again. Office Team in on my list.
      You are correct in your observation that the people I live with are “touched”. Sometimes the nice exteriors fade and the real people and agendas are reveiled. Neither of them are on my side> They know I will succeed and resent it. I am not his self-esteem. One of them HATES the idea that I want to leave. I never imagined I’d be there a year and a half, so its a priority and motivator. Sometimes the conflicts get physical. I have had to develop powerful boundaries to prevent their sabotage. One of the men has a history of violence and I am in a degree of danger, which took me a year to learn about. I may be crazy too, but I have goals, an ability to perform self directed work, and a sense of personal destiny. My point is that you’ve been heard, and thanks!

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