Most of July and all of August have been filled with hopeless days. There have been interviews and good natured email, but for the most part I feel forgotten by the world of work. It rankles: I love what I do and I’m good at it.
A crisis looms that threatens my connection to any potential the world of work has to offer. I’m out of my mind working on ways to pay this bill. My stuff is for sale; my expenses are next to zero; I have no cash; I respond to everything that comes my way and think of ways I could start a business on nothing in my current situation. Despair and anxiety are my constant companions. It’s hard to focus when I need to focus the most.
I am afraid. I am blocked big time. I remember when my mother was sad she would play records of the Gaithers, sitting in her chair listening, working her way out of a dark place.
I’m finding myself doing something similar. I listen to Nicole C. Mullens sing her song “Redeemer” over and over again on YouTube to the Team Hoyt video. But Casting Crowns sings “I Praise You in this Storm” and I understand and am in that storm. I want the certainty of knowing how, and I never really will know it, but I know that the spirit is with me.
The bill will be paid, the mess picked up, the gig found, the car bought, the new home built, my fear abated, and I will never know how, all part of my unfolding mystery. Rilke wrote long ago “I have circled around God, that mighty tower, for a thousand years, yet I still don’t know whether I am a cloud, a falcon, or a great song.” This is my real journey.