No Delight Here

I remember the meals my mother would fix when I was a child. There was the usual, meat, starch and vegetable, but there were always two deserts. Sugar was my mother’s tool to deal with the many disappointments of her life, and I also use sugar for the same reason. Sweets are always a temptation, no matter what my mood, but when I use sugar to moderate my mood, there are always consequences. I crash.

I’m angry and frustrated for one. Money, career and relationships all tie into it. I need to find my next gig, which brings up every insecurity you can name. I have to deal with recruiters. As a general rule I like recruiters, but right now it’s not a good feeling. I’m looking for a next step in a career; they are looking to fill an order, so they are not very amused about my need to be special.

The new world order that older workers are bad troubles me. It’s not that I don’t want to learn new skills, but learning is expensive, and the institutions I’ve worked with don’t cater to older workers. So I wonder about the payoff from the push for training and certification that is pushed at me.

Sometimes I just feel stuck. Stuck is a terrible place to be. I feel frustrated and stuck right now. I’ve had serious frustrations with my roommates on top of all my employment issues. On top of that my mother has been very ill. Very few people seem to understand that last year I lost everything and I want to grow again. I tend to pop the perception that the economy is improving. All I can say that it is not for me.

It’s safe to say that I am plumb out of optimism. I am tired of the platitudes of optimism, tired of bucking myself up. Working to manifest a new reality for me is something I’ve done so much I am bored with the effort. It’s hard to see any improvement at all. In the mornings there the cloud of darkness around my head is so thick I can barely see, so I write my way out of the darkness to see the light of morning. Every day the same thing, working to transform my attitude into something more useful. I work to manifest, but that labor requires a faith in the universe that I am doubting.

I need to  rest and drink lots of water, and stay away from sweets – take better care of myself. I have to stay here and endure this challenging time. The logjam will clear, money will flow, and my despair will turn to victory. I need to bide my time.

 

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